Pills Are Not For The Weak

Unlike many people I am not ashamed to say it, I need my medication to help me function and remain physically here. Unfortunately for me, today has been one of those dark endless days. The kind that drowns my brain inside this capsule I call a head, the kind of day that just needs to be fucking over. The hours seem like days and the minutes like hours, and here I am watching them slowly go by. Sitting in the recliner, staring at the dam wall, waiting for time to pass so I can go to sleep and be done with this dreadful day. Unless you suffer from a mental illness, you will not completely understand it. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, no matter what pain they may have caused me.

Depression is a son of a bitch, that’s the only way I can describe it. These empty feelings, annoying thoughts, and flip-flop emotions are completely unshakable. This is my way of describing how it feels to have Manic Depressive Disorder sprinkled with Anxiety and a side of ADHD .

I’m standing at the edge of a rocky cliff holding onto some rope, slowly I begin to slip. I hold on tighter, desperately hanging onto the few frayed ropes of light that are now left in my hands. I am grasping them and I can feel the rope coming apart. I begin to dig at the crumbling walls of my brain, scratching, pulling, and praying. I just want to find my way back up, but it seems so impossible today.

I try to think of something positive, in the hopes it can save me from this slow motion fall that is happening inside of me. I’m floating, but not upwards, after all that would be way to easy. Down I go into the dark, I look up and I can see a glimpse of shimmer. But it’s just not enough to keep me from traveling downward, into this dark, drafty, bottomless pit of emptiness.

When I finally get a decent grip and I start to pull myself upwards, there it is, the doubt lurking above. Sneaking around, just waiting for me to think I have succeeded this time. It lets me pull myself up closer and closer to the light. I am half way there, I can feel the warmth of happiness on my face. I start to glow and I continue to pull myself higher. I then say to myself, “I got this, I can do it! COME ON, Keep pushing somethings GOTTA give..”.

Some days I make it back to the top, I pull up my big girl pants, secure them with super glue and push through the worthlessness I feel. Other days, I’m like a hungry monkey wanting his banana that someone has secured to the top of a fourteen foot greased pole.

What keeps me going? In all honesty, it is the children I am responsible for. Looking at them everyday is a reminder of why I am here, why I have to fight this never-ending battle within myself. I may feel like I am not needed, I am worthless and of no use. But to these children that I love, the babies that I grew inside of me, I am EVERYTHING. Shit, I mean that has to count for something right?

So my friends, as always I leave you with something to think about. Much Love,

Shannon

“I can’t go on.” ” You must go on.” ” I’ll go on.”

-Samuel Beckett-