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Gambling The Unknown

She cloaks herself with smiles and endless contentment to hide the torment she feels inside. Why is she so cemented to him? Just like a fly stuck to that aggravating tacky tape. Is it the rejection that makes her adhere to him? Is this why she can not let go? “She is needy, destitute.” That’s what they say, “She cant make it without a man.”.

But its not, for it is the love that makes her so unsteady and powerless when it comes to him. All the wonderful yet crazy times that they have shared. The laughter, the jokes and just him being there. “Whats wrong with me?” she says to herself. “Why does he damage me so, why does he not want me, but then he does, So do I stay or is it time to go?”.

She wonders, what has she done to this man, the one she cherished with all her heart. Yet he treats her like a stray dog, the mutt you feed then disregard. He puts her last, her feelings are void. She can sob and she can plead, yet he pays no attention to her needs. Even as the mother of his children he lets her heart bleed.

He cackles at her pain because he is in agony to, yet turns around the next day and says Please believe me, I love you. He kisses her head, holds her close at night, says hes sorry, hes fucked up, and he knows he is not right. He goes on to claim that he wants to be with her, he doesn’t want to give up. He wants to be married and work on it all. She wants to believe him, and yet she has heard this before. She gives him the chance to show her and gradually opens that door.

You see the thing with love and holding her heart, you cant assume that because she has, she will be there no matter what. There comes a point when enough is enough, there is no looking back, no do overs you see. Whats done is done, her book is now sealed with nothing more to read. 

And that is where she is, at this moment right now. She has tried to explain it to him, caution him and beg, but he assumes she will always be around. He thinks in the forthcoming she would obviously take him back. But she know she will not, her gut announces that.

So hes gambled with her heart, wagered her feelings for his game. Thinking he can have everything he wants, then come back and make his claim. But what he don’t know is he will come back to a colossal surprise. She will no longer be there for she is sick of his lies.

She will not be there, she will have moved on with her life. He will be the formal, not the current, nor the planned. The love that he gambled will forever be gone, his wife is what he wagered, and he lost her in his storm.

He will regret his game of emotional chance, as soon he grasps the reality that hes lost her permanently. No more take backs, no more lies, shes closed her book infinitely. 

 

S.L.B.A

 

Thanks for taking the time to read, hope everyone is safe!

Another Original By Me

So much pain, yet trying to be strong,
All the heartache that we carry along. 
Fighting the temptation to just let go,
A feeling that many will never know.
Wanting to sleep, wanting to drown,
Pulling yourself up just to fall down.
Trying to wake up and live everyday,
Fighting to survive when you don’t wanna stay.
So many feel this way and I can see you,
I’ve been fighting this war since 1992.
It’s a battle for sure because of where you have been,
It’s  a struggle No doubt, but  one you can win.
No one is perfect and healing will take time,
The mountain of pain has a long path to climb.
When we get to the top our eyes will finally see,
That the pain we have felt is what now sets us free.

Original
By me
Right now
Xoxo
All of you
❤️

It feels as though I’m fighting against a current, one that is so much stronger than me.

There are no life preservers, the winds will not die down, I can slowly feel myself slipping under, swallowing water, I thrash, I’m starting to drown.

I’ve battled the same beasts, the same evil monsters my entire life,

Their outside appearance has been a bit different, yet their insides have always been alike.

Battling with my mind, secretly fighting all that they are, trying to protect the ones I love from obtaining anymore scars.

The demons that reside within them are some of the worst I’ve seen by far, they keep them hidden under a cloak, this way NO ONE really knows who they are.

The ones that suffer the most, when he unleashes his toxic fumes, it’s myself and our own children, our mental health he continues to consume.

There’s one thing as tricky as him, that weighs you down like a blanket of cinder blocks. Rage is not the only black cloud over his head, There is Something else he will never escape.

It’s sticky, heavy and as dark as tar, it’s covered his heart and made him turn sour. It’s consumed him from the time he was a child, and this is what we call HATE.

Shannon Lynn Anderson (Barker)

Poem

Days are long and so are the nights,
Get up everyday to win the next fight.
Take a deep breath, close your eyes almost there,
Keep pushing, freedoms coming, for this I swear.
Nothing that’s permanent is easy when done right,
You’re at the end of your darkness and soon you’ll see light.

❤️

Untitled Poem

“If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.” – Martin Luther King Jr

I’m trying, some days are good, some are GREAT,
And some I smile just to hide the pain.

Hold back the tears, chin up, you’re strong.
No sleep, broken mind but still carry on.

My feet are permanently planted on solid ground so it seems,

But that’s just an illusion, even one I cannot see.

One day I will rise, just Like a Phoenix and the Sun,

From these ashes I will crawl, and who will hurt me? NO ONE

SLA

9/24/23

And off to work ❤️

Lost In the Darkness

(Old but finished posted in June)

A storm is approaching, can you hear the rolling thunder? It matches the thud of my broken heart, the sharp unpleasant sensation within it.

As the lightning strikes nature, this feeling of electrocution surges through my body. Every breath I take my pain increases, feeling as though my heart is being compressed.

All I want is to run into the pouring rain, close my eyes and raise my head to the sky while screaming

I beg the rolling clouds to release their smokey furry, to unleash earth’s tears. Allow your downpour to cascade upon me, washing away all the suffering within my heart.

Forces above, remove the wreckage that has emotionally trapped me for it leaves nothing behind but agony and torment. Cleanse and free me from all grief and sorrow so I may finally feel free.

Shannon

WordPress Prompt

Was today typical?

Isn’t everyday typical? We all wake up in the morning and have some type of routine. Whether it’s that first morning cup of coffee, first puff of a cigarette or jumping in the shower to wake yourself up. It’s all routine, is it not?

You then go to work, or start the day off by taking care of children and cleaning the house. Dishes, laundry and all the household duties. When school is in it’s getting the little monsters off on the bus. It’s a routine and it’s typical.

For me, was today average? Of course it was! Until I either hit the lottery or dig up some buried treasure not only will my day be typical, but so will my life.

Shannon

My Definition

What’s your definition of romantic?

Someone that is there for you emotionally and physically. A person that has your back in public even when you’re wrong (as long as it’s legal). For me it’s somebody that can love me unconditionally, overlook my faults and my pain. A person that won’t abandon me because of what others opinions may be. Someone that can work through the hard times, as long as it’s not something like cheating or physical abuse. A man that never gives up on US. That will fight for the person that he loves until his last breath. That looks at me as if I’m ALL he’s ever wanted.

And now I’m crying because this is all I’ve ever wanted in life, and I’ve had it recently and I hope that we can keep fighting. Because without him, I’m just just not the same. And I would rather love each other from afar, until we both were in the right position to come back together then to lose him forever.