Tag: women Pain Love

Another Original By Me

So much pain, yet trying to be strong,
All the heartache that we carry along. 
Fighting the temptation to just let go,
A feeling that many will never know.
Wanting to sleep, wanting to drown,
Pulling yourself up just to fall down.
Trying to wake up and live everyday,
Fighting to survive when you don’t wanna stay.
So many feel this way and I can see you,
I’ve been fighting this war since 1992.
It’s a battle for sure because of where you have been,
It’s  a struggle No doubt, but  one you can win.
No one is perfect and healing will take time,
The mountain of pain has a long path to climb.
When we get to the top our eyes will finally see,
That the pain we have felt is what now sets us free.

Original
By me
Right now
Xoxo
All of you
❤️

It feels as though I’m fighting against a current, one that is so much stronger than me.

There are no life preservers, the winds will not die down, I can slowly feel myself slipping under, swallowing water, I thrash, I’m starting to drown.

I’ve battled the same beasts, the same evil monsters my entire life,

Their outside appearance has been a bit different, yet their insides have always been alike.

Battling with my mind, secretly fighting all that they are, trying to protect the ones I love from obtaining anymore scars.

The demons that reside within them are some of the worst I’ve seen by far, they keep them hidden under a cloak, this way NO ONE really knows who they are.

The ones that suffer the most, when he unleashes his toxic fumes, it’s myself and our own children, our mental health he continues to consume.

There’s one thing as tricky as him, that weighs you down like a blanket of cinder blocks. Rage is not the only black cloud over his head, There is Something else he will never escape.

It’s sticky, heavy and as dark as tar, it’s covered his heart and made him turn sour. It’s consumed him from the time he was a child, and this is what we call HATE.

Shannon Lynn Anderson (Barker)

Untitled Poem

“If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.” – Martin Luther King Jr

I’m trying, some days are good, some are GREAT,
And some I smile just to hide the pain.

Hold back the tears, chin up, you’re strong.
No sleep, broken mind but still carry on.

My feet are permanently planted on solid ground so it seems,

But that’s just an illusion, even one I cannot see.

One day I will rise, just Like a Phoenix and the Sun,

From these ashes I will crawl, and who will hurt me? NO ONE

SLA

9/24/23

And off to work ❤️

Lost In the Darkness

(Old but finished posted in June)

A storm is approaching, can you hear the rolling thunder? It matches the thud of my broken heart, the sharp unpleasant sensation within it.

As the lightning strikes nature, this feeling of electrocution surges through my body. Every breath I take my pain increases, feeling as though my heart is being compressed.

All I want is to run into the pouring rain, close my eyes and raise my head to the sky while screaming

I beg the rolling clouds to release their smokey furry, to unleash earth’s tears. Allow your downpour to cascade upon me, washing away all the suffering within my heart.

Forces above, remove the wreckage that has emotionally trapped me for it leaves nothing behind but agony and torment. Cleanse and free me from all grief and sorrow so I may finally feel free.

Shannon

From An Article

It’s crazy to be given articles and read them, only to realize that my childhood most definitely affected the relationship that I chose.

For 19 years the cheating, lies and manipulation that Darius did, even to his own friends so they wouldn’t like me, it’s truly sad.

Regardless of what has happened, I hope he does get the proper help so he doesn’t do this to somebody else. I hope he gets the whole he needs mentally so he doesn’t physically and emotionally and even at times sexually abuse his next partner.

And the reason why I say sexual abuse, is through counseling I have learned the following,

Scaring someone into performing sexual acts they are not comfortable with, physical and emotional abuse so they are forced to perform the sexual act of your choosing is sexual abuse.

Never EVER allow someone to make you feel like you have to, to make you feel like if you don’t that they’re going to put their hands on you, or show you their uncontrollable rage until you do what they want.

I never realized how free I really was until November of last year. And had I not called the police August 12th and had him arrested for domestic violence, I may have never known that there are wonderful men out there. Men that will respect you, that will not make you feel like you owe them something sexually, that will appreciate you for who you are and the things that you do on a daily basis.

My children have never been this happy, they have never felt this calm and free. To see them no longer panic or worry or have extreme anxiety attacks everyday, I wish I would have left a long time ago. But it’s better late than never, at least I did it before he choked the last breath out of me. Like he said a few years ago, he himself was afraid that he was going to seriously hurt me or one of the girls. And I was in such denial, I was so blind and so emotionally destroyed, I wanted to fix him I thought I could fix him.

You can’t fix anyone that doesn’t want to be fixed.

Below is part of an article that I read.

Shannon

It’s after 3@

Toss and turn, toss and turn, that’s all I’ve been doing for the last few nights. Hurting, crying, trying to come to terms that he’s moved on within 2 weeks. I’m no longer a part of his life.

I start to think about my life, why I was given this shitty deck? How could God be so cruel, continuing to slip jokers in my worn out pack of cards. I swear there’s only supposed to be two in there, seems my deck is halfway filled with the damn things.

A hard childhood, full of physical and emotional abuse. Then you add molestation on top of it, I think that’s enough crap for any person to go through. But no let’s keep adding more, rape, a father that wants nothing to do with you, more abuse and heartbreak. What in the hell is all this supposed to teach me?

I have nothing, unless you count depression, anxiety, ADHD, and PTSD, and those aren’t gifts I would wish on anyone. Sometimes I can’t tell which one is which anymore.

Alone, falling apart, yet having to try and keep myself together for my daughter’s. When all I really want to do is run the hell away, find a hole in the woods, lay there and rot.

I may feel like I want the bugs to eat my decaying dying body, in actuality I don’t And only because my girls need me. I know I’m all they have, yet it’s so hard trying to be emotionally “okay” for them. They’ve seen me cry more than they should have to. It’s at the point now, I go sit in grams car and I cry uncontrollably. I break down, then go back inside. They shouldn’t have to sit and hear me falling apart.

I know this will pass, I will forget him and the pain. I will move on just like he has. But I wish I could hit the skip button through all this bullshit. You know, just jump ahead and go right to the part where I’m perfectly fine. The part where I’m over it and I don’t care.

We went through this once before, years ago and for a few years. But I’m not in my twenties, and I can’t wait like I did last time. I cannot sit here and wait on him to realize that he messed up, to accept responsibility for the things that have happened. To realize that our family is irreplaceable, and these are memories that you can’t get back. There’s no do-over in a child’s life. I can’t wait again, waiting on him to realize that he allowed anger and his past issues to destroy everything we built together.

And I just can’t sit and wait for him to realize that he did love me, and that I’m the one he wants. Because if I sit and allow myself to wait again, it’s going to extend the pain for much longer than I want. So, for now I will cry, I will be depressed and hurt. I will be pissed off, I will miss him, but I cannot wait, not again.

So Darius, I loved you more than any man. I thought we were going to build a future together. Be a family. For a long time I saw so much change in you, I really never thought that this is where we would be again. So yes, I am heartbroken. I’ll respect the fact that you don’t want to seek professional help, not for yourself, not for our relationship, or our family.

We are all in counseling this way. As for me, it was the right choice. This way, I have someone helping me through the feeling of abandonment. She’s there to help me process my emotions. Helping me move on, let us go, and this time for good. She is helping me realize that life is short, and time is precious. I can’t waste what’s left of my life waiting for a man that doesn’t love me, that doesn’t respect me, and just does not want anything to do with me at this time.

There’s nothing worse in life than loving somebody TO THE FULLEST, and that person just doesn’t love you back. It’s got to be the most painful thing I’ve ever felt. So, it’s time to love myself, get my head right, and then find someone that can give me as much as I give them emotionally.

I am a relationship kinda woman, and I love feeling loved, to be spooning at night, random kisses, hugs and a slap on the ass every now and then. 😂 That’s something I don’t want to put on the back burner, I can’t wait for forever, not again.

Shannon

Featured

Gambling The Unknown

She cloaks herself with smiles and endless contentment to hide the torment she feels inside. Why is she so cemented to him? Just like a fly stuck to that aggravating tacky tape. Is it the rejection that makes her adhere to him? Is this why she can not let go? “She is needy, destitute.” That’s what they say, “She cant make it without a man.”.

But its not, for it is the love that makes her so unsteady and powerless when it comes to him. All the wonderful yet crazy times that they have shared. The laughter, the jokes and just him being there. “Whats wrong with me?” she says to herself. “Why does he damage me so, why does he not want me, but then he does, So do I stay or is it time to go?”.

She wonders, what has she done to this man, the one she cherished with all her heart. Yet he treats her like a stray dog, the mutt you feed then disregard. He puts her last, her feelings are void. She can sob and she can plead, yet he pays no attention to her needs. Even as the mother of his children he lets her heart bleed.

He cackles at her pain because he is in agony to, yet turns around the next day and says Please believe me, I love you. He kisses her head, holds her close at night, says hes sorry, hes fucked up, and he knows he is not right. He goes on to claim that he wants to be with her, he doesn’t want to give up. He wants to be married and work on it all. She wants to believe him, and yet she has heard this before. She gives him the chance to show her and gradually opens that door.

You see the thing with love and holding her heart, you cant assume that because she has, she will be there no matter what. There comes a point when enough is enough, there is no looking back, no do overs you see. Whats done is done, her book is now sealed with nothing more to read. 

And that is where she is, at this moment right now. She has tried to explain it to him, caution him and beg, but he assumes she will always be around. He thinks in the forthcoming she would obviously take him back. But she know she will not, her gut announces that.

So hes gambled with her heart, wagered her feelings for his game. Thinking he can have everything he wants, then come back and make his claim. But what he don’t know is he will come back to a colossal surprise. She will no longer be there for she is sick of his lies.

She will not be there, she will have moved on with her life. He will be the formal, not the current, nor the planned. The love that he gambled will forever be gone, his wife is what he wagered, and he lost her in his storm.

He will regret his game of emotional chance, as soon he grasps the reality that hes lost her permanently. No more take backs, no more lies, shes closed her book infinitely. 

 

S.L.B.A

 

Thanks for taking the time to read, hope everyone is safe!