The last few years have been emotionally paralyzing for me. But these past 5 months I think have been the hardest financially.

My depression has been at an all-time high. If you suffer from this empty dark hole of nothing, you know as well as I, that we can’t choose to fill it up and leave it behind.

If only this disease would evaporate when I take these pills. If the gloom was as easy as flipping on a light switch and illuminating everything immediately.

If I could look in the mirror and actually see myself and not the face of someone I don’t recognize anymore.

It’s so easy for someone that doesn’t suffer with severe depression to tell you what you should be doing. Give you their opinion on what will pull you out of this debilitating disease. Clear this brain fog that they know nothing about.

I mean really, when someone has the flu head stuck in the toilet, barfing their guts out do you tell them to just close their mouth and hold it in? When someone has a severe allergy and has a reaction to something that can kill them, do you sit there and say ” Just go lay down breathe in and out it’ll pass”.

No, because clearly you can see that they are sick. You can see the physical effects of this allergic reaction, you can see the thermometer that shows how high of a fever one may have.

Those of us with depression, we don’t always have outside visible signs. Everything is internal, scrambling our brains like fried eggs and then slithering down through our body like a hungry snake.

It’s an emotional, mental and physical disease that we can’t explain with words. We can’t physically show you most of the time. We don’t CHOOSE to just lay around in bed all day, or for weeks at a time. Because that sounds like a good time, don’t it 🙄.

We don’t wake up in the morning and say to ourselves, ” Hey I think I won’t brush my hair for the next two weeks and while I’m at it shit I don’t feel like changing my clothes for days either!”. We don’t choose this, we don’t WANT to be this way.

Believe me, those of us that suffer from this crappy invisible disease would much rather not have it. We would love to wake up in the morning and feel what most consider normal. Feel alive and energized and ready to start the day. Unfortunately for most of us, we’re not going to feel any better until spring. 😩

We have to keep rowing, row through all the twists, turns and rapid Waters of this stream we call life. We have to hang on to whatever life preservers are available, just in case our canoe starts to go under. We have to reach and grasp at any branch when our kayak begins to tip. We have to FIGHT every waking minute of our lives to stay afloat. We fight the current as it tries to rip us away. Those like us are the strongest fighters in my eyes. Unfortunately even the strongest swimmers can drown.

Before you open your mouth, and say something you may regret. Before you speak to someone with ANY type of Mental Health Illness, read some of my posts and maybe you’ll think twice before you speak. JS

Thanks for reading.

And if you would like to help support my work, I will be opening a shop soon on eBay. Crazy creations completely made by me!

Shannon ❤️