Tag: relationships

Another Original By Me

So much pain, yet trying to be strong,
All the heartache that we carry along. 
Fighting the temptation to just let go,
A feeling that many will never know.
Wanting to sleep, wanting to drown,
Pulling yourself up just to fall down.
Trying to wake up and live everyday,
Fighting to survive when you don’t wanna stay.
So many feel this way and I can see you,
I’ve been fighting this war since 1992.
It’s a battle for sure because of where you have been,
It’s  a struggle No doubt, but  one you can win.
No one is perfect and healing will take time,
The mountain of pain has a long path to climb.
When we get to the top our eyes will finally see,
That the pain we have felt is what now sets us free.

Original
By me
Right now
Xoxo
All of you
❤️

It feels as though I’m fighting against a current, one that is so much stronger than me.

There are no life preservers, the winds will not die down, I can slowly feel myself slipping under, swallowing water, I thrash, I’m starting to drown.

I’ve battled the same beasts, the same evil monsters my entire life,

Their outside appearance has been a bit different, yet their insides have always been alike.

Battling with my mind, secretly fighting all that they are, trying to protect the ones I love from obtaining anymore scars.

The demons that reside within them are some of the worst I’ve seen by far, they keep them hidden under a cloak, this way NO ONE really knows who they are.

The ones that suffer the most, when he unleashes his toxic fumes, it’s myself and our own children, our mental health he continues to consume.

There’s one thing as tricky as him, that weighs you down like a blanket of cinder blocks. Rage is not the only black cloud over his head, There is Something else he will never escape.

It’s sticky, heavy and as dark as tar, it’s covered his heart and made him turn sour. It’s consumed him from the time he was a child, and this is what we call HATE.

Shannon Lynn Anderson (Barker)

Untitled Poem

“If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.” – Martin Luther King Jr

I’m trying, some days are good, some are GREAT,
And some I smile just to hide the pain.

Hold back the tears, chin up, you’re strong.
No sleep, broken mind but still carry on.

My feet are permanently planted on solid ground so it seems,

But that’s just an illusion, even one I cannot see.

One day I will rise, just Like a Phoenix and the Sun,

From these ashes I will crawl, and who will hurt me? NO ONE

SLA

9/24/23

And off to work ❤️

Lost In the Darkness

(Old but finished posted in June)

A storm is approaching, can you hear the rolling thunder? It matches the thud of my broken heart, the sharp unpleasant sensation within it.

As the lightning strikes nature, this feeling of electrocution surges through my body. Every breath I take my pain increases, feeling as though my heart is being compressed.

All I want is to run into the pouring rain, close my eyes and raise my head to the sky while screaming

I beg the rolling clouds to release their smokey furry, to unleash earth’s tears. Allow your downpour to cascade upon me, washing away all the suffering within my heart.

Forces above, remove the wreckage that has emotionally trapped me for it leaves nothing behind but agony and torment. Cleanse and free me from all grief and sorrow so I may finally feel free.

Shannon

From An Article

It’s crazy to be given articles and read them, only to realize that my childhood most definitely affected the relationship that I chose.

For 19 years the cheating, lies and manipulation that Darius did, even to his own friends so they wouldn’t like me, it’s truly sad.

Regardless of what has happened, I hope he does get the proper help so he doesn’t do this to somebody else. I hope he gets the whole he needs mentally so he doesn’t physically and emotionally and even at times sexually abuse his next partner.

And the reason why I say sexual abuse, is through counseling I have learned the following,

Scaring someone into performing sexual acts they are not comfortable with, physical and emotional abuse so they are forced to perform the sexual act of your choosing is sexual abuse.

Never EVER allow someone to make you feel like you have to, to make you feel like if you don’t that they’re going to put their hands on you, or show you their uncontrollable rage until you do what they want.

I never realized how free I really was until November of last year. And had I not called the police August 12th and had him arrested for domestic violence, I may have never known that there are wonderful men out there. Men that will respect you, that will not make you feel like you owe them something sexually, that will appreciate you for who you are and the things that you do on a daily basis.

My children have never been this happy, they have never felt this calm and free. To see them no longer panic or worry or have extreme anxiety attacks everyday, I wish I would have left a long time ago. But it’s better late than never, at least I did it before he choked the last breath out of me. Like he said a few years ago, he himself was afraid that he was going to seriously hurt me or one of the girls. And I was in such denial, I was so blind and so emotionally destroyed, I wanted to fix him I thought I could fix him.

You can’t fix anyone that doesn’t want to be fixed.

Below is part of an article that I read.

Shannon

I Am Better Without You #1

In order to be a mother you have to possess certain qualities. You have to be understanding, compassionate, nurturing, and be your child’s biggest cheerleader in life. Just because you open your legs and give birth doesn’t make you a mother. She gave birth to me but was in no way a mother.

I was her modern day Cinderella, it was a name even my great aunt had given me.I couldn’t breath for 5 minutes without her yelling my name. I was born to be her personal servant. I hated my life, waking up was pure hell. But, there was nowhere else I could go.

She put that fear in me from the time I was a little girl. If I didn’t do something she wanted or perhaps I did something she didn’t like she used any emotional abuse she could. My mom loved to see me beg and cry. One of her favorite ways to emotionally torture me was to pretend like she was calling children services. She would tell them to come pick me up, that she was done with me and didn’t want me living there anymore. That I didn’t listen and she just couldn’t handle me anymore.

I would cry and beg for her not to make me go. She would tell me to go pack my bags that they were on the way to pick me up. I would say, “No please I love you I’m sorry! I promise I’ll be good, please I’ll do anything you want.”. She will continue antagonizing me just enjoying seeing me cry and beg. She would list all the ridiculous reasons she was tired of me. Looking back I realized just how sick and mentally messed up she was as a person, because the things that she did to me no normal person would do.

I would be forced to sit on her back and brush her hair until she fell asleep on the couch. I hated doing it, but I knew if I didn’t the emotional and mental abuse would start. So I would sit and brush and brush, and as soon as I heard her snore I would try to sneak away. I would slowly try to stand up and slide off her back and on to the floor. Sometimes I was lucky enough to get away, other times she would immediately wake up and say “Where are you going, I’m not asleep yet.”. I hated it, I wished someone else was my mother.

I was forced to make her bath water, I would have to go upstairs run the water and let her know when it was halfway full. Then I would have to sit on the stairs outside of the bathroom and talk to her until she was done with her bath. Most times I would have to run back downstairs and get her a towel from the dryer, God forbid she even made sure she had one. Then again I was the one that had to do all the laundry.

Then there were the days where I had to clean her feet. I had to bring out a bucket of hot water while she soaked her callous crusted feet. I would then have to take a butter knife and scrape all the dead skin off her heels, cut her toenails and clean the bucket out. The sad thing is I had to pretend like I wanted to do it for her, because if I didn’t I would be verbally and emotionally abused. Then the threats of children’s services would start.

This was from the time I was a child until I was a teenager. It was the most disgusting normalcy anyone could have. And it doesn’t even stop here. These are the little things that were done, I haven’t even gotten to the major.

From being hung over a banister, thrown outside with no shoes or coat in the middle of winter, and left in the middle of the woods in Pennsylvania, there are so many more TRUE stories that I will be telling.

What I find a little comical, is the fact that she likes to deny everything. She tells everybody that I’m mentally ill and I make up these lies about her. Sad thing is, I seen her abuse my younger sister too. We have about 19 years in between us, many times I just wanted to pick her up and run. Wishing I could save her from the torture that I experienced.

For now, just as I did at that age, she continues to deny and cover for our mother. But in time, she too will speak the truth. She will realize that her emotional trauma is caused by an abusive narcissistic mother just as I have. And she will no longer be afraid.

Shannon ❤️

Never Let Your Loyalty Make A Fool Out Of You

Abusers and cheaters do not change, just camouflage themselves temporarily. Waiting till they are wrapped around you like a boa. Only then do they begin to reappear.

They silently suck the life out of you while strangling you to the point of unconsciousness. Hypnotizing you with their lies and deceitful ways. You become delirious and out of touch with life.

If a snake strikes once, do not think you can tame it. Over time, you may assume you have done enough. That you were GOOD ENOUGH to calm the wild serpent.

He waits to strike again, knowing he fooled you. That he has gained your love, trust and loyalty.  He uses all three to manipulate and abuse you. He leaves you mentally destroyed, and slithers along the path of destruction he leaves behind.

If you cut the head off the first time, his venom will not flow through your veins. He won’t have the chance to consume your heart. When you feel your body tightening up from the emotional and physical abuse, LEAVE. Do NOT be his prey.

Shannon

2023

The last few years have been emotionally paralyzing for me. But these past 5 months I think have been the hardest financially.

My depression has been at an all-time high. If you suffer from this empty dark hole of nothing, you know as well as I, that we can’t choose to fill it up and leave it behind.

If only this disease would evaporate when I take these pills. If the gloom was as easy as flipping on a light switch and illuminating everything immediately.

If I could look in the mirror and actually see myself and not the face of someone I don’t recognize anymore.

It’s so easy for someone that doesn’t suffer with severe depression to tell you what you should be doing. Give you their opinion on what will pull you out of this debilitating disease. Clear this brain fog that they know nothing about.

I mean really, when someone has the flu head stuck in the toilet, barfing their guts out do you tell them to just close their mouth and hold it in? When someone has a severe allergy and has a reaction to something that can kill them, do you sit there and say ” Just go lay down breathe in and out it’ll pass”.

No, because clearly you can see that they are sick. You can see the physical effects of this allergic reaction, you can see the thermometer that shows how high of a fever one may have.

Those of us with depression, we don’t always have outside visible signs. Everything is internal, scrambling our brains like fried eggs and then slithering down through our body like a hungry snake.

It’s an emotional, mental and physical disease that we can’t explain with words. We can’t physically show you most of the time. We don’t CHOOSE to just lay around in bed all day, or for weeks at a time. Because that sounds like a good time, don’t it 🙄.

We don’t wake up in the morning and say to ourselves, ” Hey I think I won’t brush my hair for the next two weeks and while I’m at it shit I don’t feel like changing my clothes for days either!”. We don’t choose this, we don’t WANT to be this way.

Believe me, those of us that suffer from this crappy invisible disease would much rather not have it. We would love to wake up in the morning and feel what most consider normal. Feel alive and energized and ready to start the day. Unfortunately for most of us, we’re not going to feel any better until spring. 😩

We have to keep rowing, row through all the twists, turns and rapid Waters of this stream we call life. We have to hang on to whatever life preservers are available, just in case our canoe starts to go under. We have to reach and grasp at any branch when our kayak begins to tip. We have to FIGHT every waking minute of our lives to stay afloat. We fight the current as it tries to rip us away. Those like us are the strongest fighters in my eyes. Unfortunately even the strongest swimmers can drown.

Before you open your mouth, and say something you may regret. Before you speak to someone with ANY type of Mental Health Illness, read some of my posts and maybe you’ll think twice before you speak. JS

Thanks for reading.

And if you would like to help support my work, I will be opening a shop soon on eBay. Crazy creations completely made by me!

Shannon ❤️

Broken Not Dead

I used all the glue I could. The cracks turned into deep pits. I needed a bridge, but there was no one there to help me build it. On the other side there was an empty space, the same one that was there the day before, and every other day previously. Was it possible that this hollow spot had always been there ?

Maybe it was, and I chose to close my eyes. Then mentally I could fill it, stuff it  full with this imaginary life and love. One I knew he wouldn’t give me, nor wanted to.

I gave myself fully to someone that couldn’t do the same. I unintentionally added to my own pain. For some time it pierced through me, like those sneaky thorns on a rose bush. Sometimes a little trickle of blood was left behind, other times maybe just a scratch. Every once in a while it was deep and more than enough to leave a scar behind.

Broken I may have been, every piece unevenly fractured at different points of my life. But was I dead? It may have felt like it, but I was still breathing. And if I’m breathing I can heal and go on.

Shannon

Starting over isn’t easy. Staying is Harder.

Thank you 💖

It’s after 3@

Toss and turn, toss and turn, that’s all I’ve been doing for the last few nights. Hurting, crying, trying to come to terms that he’s moved on within 2 weeks. I’m no longer a part of his life.

I start to think about my life, why I was given this shitty deck? How could God be so cruel, continuing to slip jokers in my worn out pack of cards. I swear there’s only supposed to be two in there, seems my deck is halfway filled with the damn things.

A hard childhood, full of physical and emotional abuse. Then you add molestation on top of it, I think that’s enough crap for any person to go through. But no let’s keep adding more, rape, a father that wants nothing to do with you, more abuse and heartbreak. What in the hell is all this supposed to teach me?

I have nothing, unless you count depression, anxiety, ADHD, and PTSD, and those aren’t gifts I would wish on anyone. Sometimes I can’t tell which one is which anymore.

Alone, falling apart, yet having to try and keep myself together for my daughter’s. When all I really want to do is run the hell away, find a hole in the woods, lay there and rot.

I may feel like I want the bugs to eat my decaying dying body, in actuality I don’t And only because my girls need me. I know I’m all they have, yet it’s so hard trying to be emotionally “okay” for them. They’ve seen me cry more than they should have to. It’s at the point now, I go sit in grams car and I cry uncontrollably. I break down, then go back inside. They shouldn’t have to sit and hear me falling apart.

I know this will pass, I will forget him and the pain. I will move on just like he has. But I wish I could hit the skip button through all this bullshit. You know, just jump ahead and go right to the part where I’m perfectly fine. The part where I’m over it and I don’t care.

We went through this once before, years ago and for a few years. But I’m not in my twenties, and I can’t wait like I did last time. I cannot sit here and wait on him to realize that he messed up, to accept responsibility for the things that have happened. To realize that our family is irreplaceable, and these are memories that you can’t get back. There’s no do-over in a child’s life. I can’t wait again, waiting on him to realize that he allowed anger and his past issues to destroy everything we built together.

And I just can’t sit and wait for him to realize that he did love me, and that I’m the one he wants. Because if I sit and allow myself to wait again, it’s going to extend the pain for much longer than I want. So, for now I will cry, I will be depressed and hurt. I will be pissed off, I will miss him, but I cannot wait, not again.

So Darius, I loved you more than any man. I thought we were going to build a future together. Be a family. For a long time I saw so much change in you, I really never thought that this is where we would be again. So yes, I am heartbroken. I’ll respect the fact that you don’t want to seek professional help, not for yourself, not for our relationship, or our family.

We are all in counseling this way. As for me, it was the right choice. This way, I have someone helping me through the feeling of abandonment. She’s there to help me process my emotions. Helping me move on, let us go, and this time for good. She is helping me realize that life is short, and time is precious. I can’t waste what’s left of my life waiting for a man that doesn’t love me, that doesn’t respect me, and just does not want anything to do with me at this time.

There’s nothing worse in life than loving somebody TO THE FULLEST, and that person just doesn’t love you back. It’s got to be the most painful thing I’ve ever felt. So, it’s time to love myself, get my head right, and then find someone that can give me as much as I give them emotionally.

I am a relationship kinda woman, and I love feeling loved, to be spooning at night, random kisses, hugs and a slap on the ass every now and then. 😂 That’s something I don’t want to put on the back burner, I can’t wait for forever, not again.

Shannon