Tag: Depression

Could I have a lobotomy please? 4@ Thoughts

That’s how I’m feeling anymore. Or maybe they could just install a shut off button. My button needs placed at the “Hey Stupid it’s time to walk away he just keeps mistreating you” section of my head.

So, if anyone from the government is out there reading this, could you please make it happen? I’ll gladly be the guinea pig, anything is better than dealing with this S#++

Nothing is worse than pouring your life, love and trust into a relationship with nothing in return.  If you take anything from this post take this, if they start out as emotionally unavailable just go.

Almost two decades of my life, freely given to someone that has absolutely no empathy for me. Most likely, he has never loved me either. I guess when I commit to something I commit. Even when it hurts me, and has emotionally DESTROYED me. Not sure if that’s really a good thing, actually…I know it’s not.

Is it low self-esteem? I’m not sure to be honest. More than likely it’s from growing up feeling not wanted and unloved. For that has caused a cyclone of abuse that hasn’t died down. Its like sticky thistles stuck to your favorite socks. You think you’ve plucked them off only to find more. And sometimes they are REALLY stuck on there. You have two options, keep the socks with the thistles poking your ankles, or you throw them away. If you toss them you won’t feel the prickling pain anymore.

🤔 I think I just answered my own question about what I need to do in my life. How about that 😂 I always have great advice, unfortunately I never take it. I think I shall start!

I guess this is goodnight and good morning friends. Hope your Sunday is bright and beautiful ❤️

Shannon

Poem #1

Staring at the ceiling holding back my tears,

Tired of this pain inside and tired of my fears.

Holding on to something empty, trying to let go,

Something always pulls me in, but what I do not know.

Inside I feel so weak, yet I know that I am strong,

So when will all these endless thoughts disappear, vaporize and just be gone?

He never gives you more than you can carry, at least that’s what they say,

Can you see my back is broken? I can’t carry anymore, there’s no way.

Goodnight Friends

Random Life Thought

Sometimes you have to know when to let go. When to break free from a situation that has done nothing but hold your spirit down. A situation, that has on many occasions, mentally and physically destroyed you.

Your wings have been removed, you are grounded, but need to fly. You do not attempt to let them grow, you constantly pluck them so you can remain obedient.

As your cage grows larger and the bars stronger you are filled with sadness and loneliness. You will most definitely die wondering what real love, compassion and freedom is.

To have your wings clipped is one thing, but to have them completely removed is another. You lose yourself, you lose who you were born to be.

At first it doesn’t matter, as time goes on and your alone, your eyes open, you realize that you are nothing but a space saver for someone else. You realize that you are a backup for those that disappoint and that do not show up.

As soon as you realize this, your wings begin to grow, you start to flap them, and then you fly. You sore higher than you ever thought you could. And you do it all alone.

You leave without looking back, because after all that’s what they did to you.

You can support my writing through PayPal @shesbuiltfromfire Thank so much!

Shannon

More Posts Soon

I will be posting soon, so many ups and downs in the last two years. These issues almost destroyed me mentally, as well as physically.

Learn from me what NOT to deal with, read what I have been though, and use it as a map of where not to go.

I lost myself, I was on the brink of commiting suicide. There is NO person worth ending your life for.

If you feel like you just can not go on, please add me on twitter. My user name is Intherepairshop.

Pills Are Not For The Weak

Unlike many people I am not ashamed to say it, I need my medication to help me function and remain physically here. Unfortunately for me, today has been one of those dark endless days. The kind that drowns my brain inside this capsule I call a head, the kind of day that just needs to be fucking over. The hours seem like days and the minutes like hours, and here I am watching them slowly go by. Sitting in the recliner, staring at the dam wall, waiting for time to pass so I can go to sleep and be done with this dreadful day. Unless you suffer from a mental illness, you will not completely understand it. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, no matter what pain they may have caused me.

Depression is a son of a bitch, that’s the only way I can describe it. These empty feelings, annoying thoughts, and flip-flop emotions are completely unshakable. This is my way of describing how it feels to have Manic Depressive Disorder sprinkled with Anxiety and a side of ADHD .

I’m standing at the edge of a rocky cliff holding onto some rope, slowly I begin to slip. I hold on tighter, desperately hanging onto the few frayed ropes of light that are now left in my hands. I am grasping them and I can feel the rope coming apart. I begin to dig at the crumbling walls of my brain, scratching, pulling, and praying. I just want to find my way back up, but it seems so impossible today.

I try to think of something positive, in the hopes it can save me from this slow motion fall that is happening inside of me. I’m floating, but not upwards, after all that would be way to easy. Down I go into the dark, I look up and I can see a glimpse of shimmer. But it’s just not enough to keep me from traveling downward, into this dark, drafty, bottomless pit of emptiness.

When I finally get a decent grip and I start to pull myself upwards, there it is, the doubt lurking above. Sneaking around, just waiting for me to think I have succeeded this time. It lets me pull myself up closer and closer to the light. I am half way there, I can feel the warmth of happiness on my face. I start to glow and I continue to pull myself higher. I then say to myself, “I got this, I can do it! COME ON, Keep pushing somethings GOTTA give..”.

Some days I make it back to the top, I pull up my big girl pants, secure them with super glue and push through the worthlessness I feel. Other days, I’m like a hungry monkey wanting his banana that someone has secured to the top of a fourteen foot greased pole.

What keeps me going? In all honesty, it is the children I am responsible for. Looking at them everyday is a reminder of why I am here, why I have to fight this never-ending battle within myself. I may feel like I am not needed, I am worthless and of no use. But to these children that I love, the babies that I grew inside of me, I am EVERYTHING. Shit, I mean that has to count for something right?

So my friends, as always I leave you with something to think about. Much Love,

Shannon

“I can’t go on.” ” You must go on.” ” I’ll go on.”

-Samuel Beckett-