I Am Back

After years of Pain and Abuse. Hiding from the truth, telling half of the story, I AM FREE!

No more hiding, no more covering up for those that caused me nothing but endless pain.

I never knew what it was like to feel so free. To transform, to live, to breathe, to feel the depression lift day by day, to realize that THIS ONE single person was responsible for all my emotional trauma.

If only I knew how toxic he was, how he destroyed my energy and my emotional being. If only I could have opened my eyes and seen he was the reason for all my hurt and pain, that HE WAS why I suffered for so many years.

IF ONLY

But I am a true believer that there is a reason for everything.

No matter how much pain I have been through, no matter the horrific abuse, there has to be a reason.

My Truth

I’ve been holding back on a lot when it has come to my writing.

And that is due to the emotionally and at times physically abusive marriage that I was in. I will be writing and sharing every aspect of my life. It’s taking me a long time to finally get back to who I am. And I’ve never been more excited!

2023

The last few years have been emotionally paralyzing for me. But these past 5 months I think have been the hardest financially.

My depression has been at an all-time high. If you suffer from this empty dark hole of nothing, you know as well as I, that we can’t choose to fill it up and leave it behind.

If only this disease would evaporate when I take these pills. If the gloom was as easy as flipping on a light switch and illuminating everything immediately.

If I could look in the mirror and actually see myself and not the face of someone I don’t recognize anymore.

It’s so easy for someone that doesn’t suffer with severe depression to tell you what you should be doing. Give you their opinion on what will pull you out of this debilitating disease. Clear this brain fog that they know nothing about.

I mean really, when someone has the flu head stuck in the toilet, barfing their guts out do you tell them to just close their mouth and hold it in? When someone has a severe allergy and has a reaction to something that can kill them, do you sit there and say ” Just go lay down breathe in and out it’ll pass”.

No, because clearly you can see that they are sick. You can see the physical effects of this allergic reaction, you can see the thermometer that shows how high of a fever one may have.

Those of us with depression, we don’t always have outside visible signs. Everything is internal, scrambling our brains like fried eggs and then slithering down through our body like a hungry snake.

It’s an emotional, mental and physical disease that we can’t explain with words. We can’t physically show you most of the time. We don’t CHOOSE to just lay around in bed all day, or for weeks at a time. Because that sounds like a good time, don’t it 🙄.

We don’t wake up in the morning and say to ourselves, ” Hey I think I won’t brush my hair for the next two weeks and while I’m at it shit I don’t feel like changing my clothes for days either!”. We don’t choose this, we don’t WANT to be this way.

Believe me, those of us that suffer from this crappy invisible disease would much rather not have it. We would love to wake up in the morning and feel what most consider normal. Feel alive and energized and ready to start the day. Unfortunately for most of us, we’re not going to feel any better until spring. 😩

We have to keep rowing, row through all the twists, turns and rapid Waters of this stream we call life. We have to hang on to whatever life preservers are available, just in case our canoe starts to go under. We have to reach and grasp at any branch when our kayak begins to tip. We have to FIGHT every waking minute of our lives to stay afloat. We fight the current as it tries to rip us away. Those like us are the strongest fighters in my eyes. Unfortunately even the strongest swimmers can drown.

Before you open your mouth, and say something you may regret. Before you speak to someone with ANY type of Mental Health Illness, read some of my posts and maybe you’ll think twice before you speak. JS

Thanks for reading.

And if you would like to help support my work, I will be opening a shop soon on eBay. Crazy creations completely made by me!

Shannon ❤️

Broken Not Dead

I used all the glue I could. The cracks turned into deep pits. I needed a bridge, but there was no one there to help me build it. On the other side there was an empty space, the same one that was there the day before, and every other day previously. Was it possible that this hollow spot had always been there ?

Maybe it was, and I chose to close my eyes. Then mentally I could fill it, stuff it  full with this imaginary life and love. One I knew he wouldn’t give me, nor wanted to.

I gave myself fully to someone that couldn’t do the same. I unintentionally added to my own pain. For some time it pierced through me, like those sneaky thorns on a rose bush. Sometimes a little trickle of blood was left behind, other times maybe just a scratch. Every once in a while it was deep and more than enough to leave a scar behind.

Broken I may have been, every piece unevenly fractured at different points of my life. But was I dead? It may have felt like it, but I was still breathing. And if I’m breathing I can heal and go on.

Shannon

Starting over isn’t easy. Staying is Harder.

Thank you 💖

It’s after 3@

Toss and turn, toss and turn, that’s all I’ve been doing for the last few nights. Hurting, crying, trying to come to terms that he’s moved on within 2 weeks. I’m no longer a part of his life.

I start to think about my life, why I was given this shitty deck? How could God be so cruel, continuing to slip jokers in my worn out pack of cards. I swear there’s only supposed to be two in there, seems my deck is halfway filled with the damn things.

A hard childhood, full of physical and emotional abuse. Then you add molestation on top of it, I think that’s enough crap for any person to go through. But no let’s keep adding more, rape, a father that wants nothing to do with you, more abuse and heartbreak. What in the hell is all this supposed to teach me?

I have nothing, unless you count depression, anxiety, ADHD, and PTSD, and those aren’t gifts I would wish on anyone. Sometimes I can’t tell which one is which anymore.

Alone, falling apart, yet having to try and keep myself together for my daughter’s. When all I really want to do is run the hell away, find a hole in the woods, lay there and rot.

I may feel like I want the bugs to eat my decaying dying body, in actuality I don’t And only because my girls need me. I know I’m all they have, yet it’s so hard trying to be emotionally “okay” for them. They’ve seen me cry more than they should have to. It’s at the point now, I go sit in grams car and I cry uncontrollably. I break down, then go back inside. They shouldn’t have to sit and hear me falling apart.

I know this will pass, I will forget him and the pain. I will move on just like he has. But I wish I could hit the skip button through all this bullshit. You know, just jump ahead and go right to the part where I’m perfectly fine. The part where I’m over it and I don’t care.

We went through this once before, years ago and for a few years. But I’m not in my twenties, and I can’t wait like I did last time. I cannot sit here and wait on him to realize that he messed up, to accept responsibility for the things that have happened. To realize that our family is irreplaceable, and these are memories that you can’t get back. There’s no do-over in a child’s life. I can’t wait again, waiting on him to realize that he allowed anger and his past issues to destroy everything we built together.

And I just can’t sit and wait for him to realize that he did love me, and that I’m the one he wants. Because if I sit and allow myself to wait again, it’s going to extend the pain for much longer than I want. So, for now I will cry, I will be depressed and hurt. I will be pissed off, I will miss him, but I cannot wait, not again.

So Darius, I loved you more than any man. I thought we were going to build a future together. Be a family. For a long time I saw so much change in you, I really never thought that this is where we would be again. So yes, I am heartbroken. I’ll respect the fact that you don’t want to seek professional help, not for yourself, not for our relationship, or our family.

We are all in counseling this way. As for me, it was the right choice. This way, I have someone helping me through the feeling of abandonment. She’s there to help me process my emotions. Helping me move on, let us go, and this time for good. She is helping me realize that life is short, and time is precious. I can’t waste what’s left of my life waiting for a man that doesn’t love me, that doesn’t respect me, and just does not want anything to do with me at this time.

There’s nothing worse in life than loving somebody TO THE FULLEST, and that person just doesn’t love you back. It’s got to be the most painful thing I’ve ever felt. So, it’s time to love myself, get my head right, and then find someone that can give me as much as I give them emotionally.

I am a relationship kinda woman, and I love feeling loved, to be spooning at night, random kisses, hugs and a slap on the ass every now and then. 😂 That’s something I don’t want to put on the back burner, I can’t wait for forever, not again.

Shannon

Untitled poem

Her wings slowly open, they appear crinkled and in need of repair,
A voice silently whispers, “My beauty, please do not despair”.
“Hope is still here, for my arms hold you everyday”,
“In your sleep I help you travel, through that lonely and broken highway”.
“I am straightening out your wings, removing all those kinks and cracks”,
“One day sweet girl you will fly again, with nothing blocking your path”.
As Hope speaks to me, I realize she is right,
My wings will begin to heal, and my future will be bright.

Shannon Anderson