From An Article

It’s crazy to be given articles and read them, only to realize that my childhood most definitely affected the relationship that I chose.

For 19 years the cheating, lies and manipulation that Darius did, even to his own friends so they wouldn’t like me, it’s truly sad.

Regardless of what has happened, I hope he does get the proper help so he doesn’t do this to somebody else. I hope he gets the whole he needs mentally so he doesn’t physically and emotionally and even at times sexually abuse his next partner.

And the reason why I say sexual abuse, is through counseling I have learned the following,

Scaring someone into performing sexual acts they are not comfortable with, physical and emotional abuse so they are forced to perform the sexual act of your choosing is sexual abuse.

Never EVER allow someone to make you feel like you have to, to make you feel like if you don’t that they’re going to put their hands on you, or show you their uncontrollable rage until you do what they want.

I never realized how free I really was until November of last year. And had I not called the police August 12th and had him arrested for domestic violence, I may have never known that there are wonderful men out there. Men that will respect you, that will not make you feel like you owe them something sexually, that will appreciate you for who you are and the things that you do on a daily basis.

My children have never been this happy, they have never felt this calm and free. To see them no longer panic or worry or have extreme anxiety attacks everyday, I wish I would have left a long time ago. But it’s better late than never, at least I did it before he choked the last breath out of me. Like he said a few years ago, he himself was afraid that he was going to seriously hurt me or one of the girls. And I was in such denial, I was so blind and so emotionally destroyed, I wanted to fix him I thought I could fix him.

You can’t fix anyone that doesn’t want to be fixed.

Below is part of an article that I read.

Shannon

I Am Better Without You #1

In order to be a mother you have to possess certain qualities. You have to be understanding, compassionate, nurturing, and be your child’s biggest cheerleader in life. Just because you open your legs and give birth doesn’t make you a mother. She gave birth to me but was in no way a mother.

I was her modern day Cinderella, it was a name even my great aunt had given me.I couldn’t breath for 5 minutes without her yelling my name. I was born to be her personal servant. I hated my life, waking up was pure hell. But, there was nowhere else I could go.

She put that fear in me from the time I was a little girl. If I didn’t do something she wanted or perhaps I did something she didn’t like she used any emotional abuse she could. My mom loved to see me beg and cry. One of her favorite ways to emotionally torture me was to pretend like she was calling children services. She would tell them to come pick me up, that she was done with me and didn’t want me living there anymore. That I didn’t listen and she just couldn’t handle me anymore.

I would cry and beg for her not to make me go. She would tell me to go pack my bags that they were on the way to pick me up. I would say, “No please I love you I’m sorry! I promise I’ll be good, please I’ll do anything you want.”. She will continue antagonizing me just enjoying seeing me cry and beg. She would list all the ridiculous reasons she was tired of me. Looking back I realized just how sick and mentally messed up she was as a person, because the things that she did to me no normal person would do.

I would be forced to sit on her back and brush her hair until she fell asleep on the couch. I hated doing it, but I knew if I didn’t the emotional and mental abuse would start. So I would sit and brush and brush, and as soon as I heard her snore I would try to sneak away. I would slowly try to stand up and slide off her back and on to the floor. Sometimes I was lucky enough to get away, other times she would immediately wake up and say “Where are you going, I’m not asleep yet.”. I hated it, I wished someone else was my mother.

I was forced to make her bath water, I would have to go upstairs run the water and let her know when it was halfway full. Then I would have to sit on the stairs outside of the bathroom and talk to her until she was done with her bath. Most times I would have to run back downstairs and get her a towel from the dryer, God forbid she even made sure she had one. Then again I was the one that had to do all the laundry.

Then there were the days where I had to clean her feet. I had to bring out a bucket of hot water while she soaked her callous crusted feet. I would then have to take a butter knife and scrape all the dead skin off her heels, cut her toenails and clean the bucket out. The sad thing is I had to pretend like I wanted to do it for her, because if I didn’t I would be verbally and emotionally abused. Then the threats of children’s services would start.

This was from the time I was a child until I was a teenager. It was the most disgusting normalcy anyone could have. And it doesn’t even stop here. These are the little things that were done, I haven’t even gotten to the major.

From being hung over a banister, thrown outside with no shoes or coat in the middle of winter, and left in the middle of the woods in Pennsylvania, there are so many more TRUE stories that I will be telling.

What I find a little comical, is the fact that she likes to deny everything. She tells everybody that I’m mentally ill and I make up these lies about her. Sad thing is, I seen her abuse my younger sister too. We have about 19 years in between us, many times I just wanted to pick her up and run. Wishing I could save her from the torture that I experienced.

For now, just as I did at that age, she continues to deny and cover for our mother. But in time, she too will speak the truth. She will realize that her emotional trauma is caused by an abusive narcissistic mother just as I have. And she will no longer be afraid.

Shannon ❤️

Never Let Your Loyalty Make A Fool Out Of You

Abusers and cheaters do not change, just camouflage themselves temporarily. Waiting till they are wrapped around you like a boa. Only then do they begin to reappear.

They silently suck the life out of you while strangling you to the point of unconsciousness. Hypnotizing you with their lies and deceitful ways. You become delirious and out of touch with life.

If a snake strikes once, do not think you can tame it. Over time, you may assume you have done enough. That you were GOOD ENOUGH to calm the wild serpent.

He waits to strike again, knowing he fooled you. That he has gained your love, trust and loyalty.  He uses all three to manipulate and abuse you. He leaves you mentally destroyed, and slithers along the path of destruction he leaves behind.

If you cut the head off the first time, his venom will not flow through your veins. He won’t have the chance to consume your heart. When you feel your body tightening up from the emotional and physical abuse, LEAVE. Do NOT be his prey.

Shannon

Domestic Abuse #2

“You are not the darkness you endured. You are the light that refused to surrender.”

― John Mark Green

It was dark for so long, I was lost and I felt completely alone. The one person that was supposed to protect me was hurting me. Causing some of the worst pain I have ever felt in my entire life.

My heart felt like there was a giant rope around it, and on each end of this rope someone was pulling. Like a tug of war, but instead of one side giving up my heart was being crushed. The center was caving in, but the outside was trying to hold on.

Ignoring the pain that I felt, trying to get him to understand the pain he was causing me, thinking it would make him change. It only made him angrier and it made my life darker.

Where was that light I used to have inside of me? That happy outgoing flash of radiance, the glow that everybody loved, what happened to it?

His abuse happened, and it snuffed out my light. It snuffed out my personality and snuffed out everything that I had become. I was withering smoke that slowly slipped into a dark hole. Pretending to be happy in fear of him being angry. Really being completely miserable inside, never knowing what may upset him or throw him into a verbal rage. Where is my light?

Then I FOUND IT, I had to crawl through the last dark tunnel but there it was! The whole time it was buried under heavy rocks, loneliness, and piles of abuse. But it was still there, all it needed was one single spark.

Do not let someone’s anger, self-hate, verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual abuse snuff you out. DO NOT surrender your LIGHT. 🕯️

Have a good day ❣️

Shannon

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No Time For Me

Being a single full-time mother is a lot of work. Not that it wasn’t already when I was married. I have SO MANY projects I want to complete, so many drafts I need to go over and post. And NO TIME to do it.

I have been looking for a job that I can schedule around my daughters and their daily lives. And that’s not easy on its own.

I’ve always been solely responsible for them physically, but now I have to be 70% responsible for them financially as well. With no family and a divorce in the works my load has gotten much heavier. My youngest is only 10, I’m leaving her 8 hours a day 5 days a week or more is just not realistic.

So, I started thinking about what I can do to bring in money, a few things crossed my mind and I decided to do some research. I mean with all the fetishes out there 🤣 there’s a few things I noticed that really bring money in. And hell as long as I’m not out there prostituting, a mom’s got to do what a mom’s got to do to take care of her kids.

At the end of the day my girls need me, not working is not realistic and not being home is not realistic. So, work part-time outside the home work on home businesses when I am home.

And that includes this damn blog!

Have a great night ❤️

Untitled Poem From 1/9/23

No longer a doormat, eyes open I can see,
Tracking mud on my face, no fool shall I be.
Ready for life, now my door is wide open,
No longer your fool, I’m no longer broken.
It was hard at first to be on my own,
Conflicted with pain and again all alone.
But the days went on, the weeks turned into months,
I started to grow from this thing I called love.
I realized my worth and it was more than you’d see,
Then again you knew my worth, that much I guarantee.
So some advice I would now like to share with you all,
If you truly love a person don’t make them feel small.
Don’t take them for granted, you will wake up alone,
Their feelings will fade as their heart  becomes Stone.
Do as I say friends and not as I do,
I’ve poured my heart out and loved just like you.
But when the pain hurts more than the love you may feel,
It’s time to move on and time for you to heal.

❤️ Always
Shannon

Depression Is Consuming Me

I’ve been trying so hard this month to fight this depression. I try to force myself to get up and be happy. But it’s consuming every part of me. I feel like I’m getting hit by one thing after another, and I lack energy and enthusiasm for everything right now.

Counting the days down to the eviction is not pleasurable, my brain feels like it’s on one of those teacup rides, spins One Way spins another as you hit the walls. I feel like I have a thousand insects digging at my brain like I’m literally going to go crazy. But I keep trying to pull it back in and keep my head up I am trying to push forward. But it’s not working, it’s just not happening.

My anxiety is at an all-time high, everything either irritates me or makes me want to cry or sleep. I start having feelings of hopelessness, I start feeling like I’m a failure that I’m a waste of space. I start thinking of how nice it would be not to feel this way anymore. How nice it would be to just slip away from this human existence. It gets completely exhausting fighting to live all the time, never catching a break. Doing everything the right way only to constantly GET KNOCKED DOWN OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

20 days till Eviction how the hell am I going to get the money. Ffs