For most children a normal trip to the candy store is, well just that. Just the thought of sugar in your mouth, it sends your taste buds into overdrive. You jump into the car all ready to go grab that gooey Mars Bar, that pack of Hubba Bubba, or anything else that looks good. Normally children get to walk in, get their candy, pay for it, open it only to then enjoy it. Well, for me it was a completely different experience. My bag of candy came with some specific rules and secrets.

Pops (my grandfather) would take me to the candy store a few times a month. He allowed me to pick out a ton of my favorite candy. The other cool factor was that they had a penny and nickel section. “Get whatever you want honey.” he would always say.

Candy cigarettes, man I loved burning the ends, they tasted like burnt marshmallows. Oh don’t forget the bubble gum ones! I use to blow the sugar out of them, I thought it was the coolest thing. Lets not forget those wax bottles, with the flavored liquid in them, the Boston Baked Beans, whistle suckers, and Now And Later, they were some of my faves!

I would grab a couple of things, put them on the counter. I was not used to getting candy, my mom never really treated us to it (looking back now she didn’t have the money for extras). “Get more if you want it, Pops don’t care.” He would say. So, like any kid, I would grab a few more items and always end up with a nice bag of candy.

Now, the only issue with this was, for me, there was always SOME kind of price that I would have to pay for this candy. Most times it was like hush money, to make sure I didn’t tell anyone he was molesting me. As the years went on, he got bolder.

I was at my grandparents house OFTEN, so today seemed no different from any other day. We took the normal route down to the harbor, pulled up to The Harbor Beverage Shop, went in and I started to fill the counter. BUT, this time was a bit different. After my bag was complete with all that sugary goodness, he then told me to wait where I was. He said he needed to get something and he would be fast. So, I stood there waiting like I was told to do. He walked away, disappearing into a room that was closed off by a curtain. I continued to wait and then he appeared with a bag. We got into the car and drove back to pops and grams house.

As we walked up the stairs and approached the front door, I knew the talk was about to happen. He just needed to be in the safety of his own home first. I walked into the front porch, carrying in my hand that crisp brown paper bag full of candy. Like clock work, I removed my shoes, set them on the shoe rug that was neatly placed by the heater vent. I continued into the first room, this was the no touch zone, all grams collectables were here. It was like a fine museum in her home with a DO NOT TOUCH sign all over.

As I made my way into the living room, I realized gram was not home yet. I sat down in front of the TV, feeling the long moss-green shag carpet under my knees. This was my typical spot. As always, pops was right behind me. He had his bag and his lucky strikes cigarettes in hand. He then sat down on his couch, tapped a cigarette out and then lit it. I continued going through my bag of sweets picking out the ones I wanted first. Mind you, I was so young, around eight or so, I was hoping I could prolong what was about to happen, or maybe this time it wouldn’t. As I started to unwrap a piece, that same dreadful conversation started. I kept my head to the ground, and was as quiet as a mouse.

“Pops treats you good huh honey” he said. I shook my head in agreement. I tried to keep my eyes on the bag that I set on the carpet. He then continued, ” You know pops loves you don’t you, your my special girl. I have a movie for us to watch but you can’t tell anyone okay?” This time I responded and said “Okay…”. Then came, what I now like to call the brainwashing disclaimer. It was stuck in my head word for word, just like the prayers gram and I would say before bed. He spoke, “Now you know this is special and between you and pops. You can’t ever tell anyone. If you ever do, they will take you away from your mom and they would put pops in jail. They would take you away, you would never see any of us anymore. You know I love you and I would never hurt you. Your my special girl. Who takes care of you and loves you more than anyone?” I responded with the typical “You.” He spoke again, “That is right, and no one will love you the way pops does honey. I wouldn’t let anyone hurt you.” I nod my head as he’s talking, like a robot that was programmed to do so.

He stands up, walks over to the VCR and puts the VHS tape in, turns the television on and says, “l need you to watch this with me okay honey, look at the TV.” he pushes the play button and the movie starts.

As a child, you have no clue what a porno is. As I got older I realized what he had forced me to watch with him. I will give you the short version, because I prefer not to drag these thoughts up anymore than I need to.

I was forced to watch this white blond woman getting screwed by a man in every hole. This video was more oral that anything. The man blew sperm all over her mouth, she licked it, and continued to give him oral. In another video from the same day, a woman was getting screwd till the man was about to go and he shot it all over her and her face. I kept looking away, I didn’t know what it was, but I didn’t like it. Even at my young age, this video made me feel dirty, bad, and just wrong.

“Now I need you to watch this honey, would you like pops to do that to you? That is what you do when you love someone. It’s okay to do these things, but only to people who love you and you love.” he said.

I kept trying to look away, dig in my candy bag, anything to distract myself from what I was being forced to watch and hear. At last, it ends and as he gets up to push eject on the VCR he says to me, “Does that look like something you would like to do to pops one day? You know I love you honey, so its okay for you to do those things to me. You just can’t tell anyone because they wouldn’t understand. It’s what you do when you love someone.” I shrugged my shoulders.

He then stuffs the rented porno under the couch, God forbid gram found it she would lose her wig! He then asks me if I want to watch cartoons and proceeds to turn them on for me. At this point, I was no longer eating candy, but wondering how long I had till grams came home. It was safe then, he couldn’t bother me with her around, or so I thought.

Hey everyone! Lets start this off, I would like to openly share who I am, where I come from, and where I am today. I was born in a small town called Conneaut in the state of Ohio. My full birth name is Shannon Lynn Barker. I had a mother and father till the age of 3 1/2. My father couldn’t take living with my mother so off he went. I did not see much of him growing up. So I figured he just didn’t want me. I have few memories of him, and shockingly they are pretty good.

Around the age of nine I told my mother that my grandfather was touching me and making me touch him. The sexual abuse began way before that age. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I’ll talk about that at some point as well.

Ah, good old Rowe Middle and Conneaut High School,  Now that was NOT my idea of fun nor a safe place for me. I was always picked on and bullied. It seemed the boys had just as much to say to me as the girls. No matter how nice I was, or how hard I tried to fit in, that never mattered. I was tall, thin and attractive, so I was a Virgin slut. My mom couldn’t afford name brand cloths, so that was the number one topic in  the middle school choir class. Little did these fellow classmates know, that before as well as after school I had to face more abuse at the hands of my mother. I had those few people who were kind to me, they did not pick on me they even said hi to me everyday. I will mention them all at some point.

It just so happens, I  grew up with a very physically and mentally abusive mother, unfortunately nothing made her happy. It seemed anything that went wrong was my fault. There were times my face alone could piss her off. I was always walking on eggshells around her, even looking back now, im surprised im still alive.

My life has so much depth, abuse, heartache, loss. But it all wasnt horrible. I have had a little fun in my lifetime. Like most humans on this planet, I have made my fair share of mistakes. After all, that’s what life is about, making a mistake, and then hopefully learning from it. I will say this much, I made the same one more than once. Sometimes, there were many times I was just plain gullible.

I’ll let you all know, I tend to jump around a lot. so what I write one day may not connect to the day before. I am not a pro at this whole blogging thing, it is something I have wanted to do for five years, so what the hell! I may forget to capitalize something, I may not always speak proper. I promise you all this, the one thing you get with me is, compassion and honesty. I am the realist B**** you will come across.

 “Life is all about evolution. What looks like a mistake to others has been a milestone in my life. Even if people have betrayed me, even if my heart was broken, even if people misunderstood or judged me, I have learned from these incidents. We are human and we make mistakes, but learning from them is what makes the difference.”           Amisha Patel

Shannon

Creatively Right

 

 

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton