Toss and turn, toss and turn, that’s all I’ve been doing for the last few nights. Hurting, crying, trying to come to terms that he’s moved on within 2 weeks. I’m no longer a part of his life.

I start to think about my life, why I was given this shitty deck? How could God be so cruel, continuing to slip jokers in my worn out pack of cards. I swear there’s only supposed to be two in there, seems my deck is halfway filled with the damn things.

A hard childhood, full of physical and emotional abuse. Then you add molestation on top of it, I think that’s enough crap for any person to go through. But no let’s keep adding more, rape, a father that wants nothing to do with you, more abuse and heartbreak. What in the hell is all this supposed to teach me?

I have nothing, unless you count depression, anxiety, ADHD, and PTSD, and those aren’t gifts I would wish on anyone. Sometimes I can’t tell which one is which anymore.

Alone, falling apart, yet having to try and keep myself together for my daughter’s. When all I really want to do is run the hell away, find a hole in the woods, lay there and rot.

I may feel like I want the bugs to eat my decaying dying body, in actuality I don’t And only because my girls need me. I know I’m all they have, yet it’s so hard trying to be emotionally “okay” for them. They’ve seen me cry more than they should have to. It’s at the point now, I go sit in grams car and I cry uncontrollably. I break down, then go back inside. They shouldn’t have to sit and hear me falling apart.

I know this will pass, I will forget him and the pain. I will move on just like he has. But I wish I could hit the skip button through all this bullshit. You know, just jump ahead and go right to the part where I’m perfectly fine. The part where I’m over it and I don’t care.

We went through this once before, years ago and for a few years. But I’m not in my twenties, and I can’t wait like I did last time. I cannot sit here and wait on him to realize that he messed up, to accept responsibility for the things that have happened. To realize that our family is irreplaceable, and these are memories that you can’t get back. There’s no do-over in a child’s life. I can’t wait again, waiting on him to realize that he allowed anger and his past issues to destroy everything we built together.

And I just can’t sit and wait for him to realize that he did love me, and that I’m the one he wants. Because if I sit and allow myself to wait again, it’s going to extend the pain for much longer than I want. So, for now I will cry, I will be depressed and hurt. I will be pissed off, I will miss him, but I cannot wait, not again.

So Darius, I loved you more than any man. I thought we were going to build a future together. Be a family. For a long time I saw so much change in you, I really never thought that this is where we would be again. So yes, I am heartbroken. I’ll respect the fact that you don’t want to seek professional help, not for yourself, not for our relationship, or our family.

We are all in counseling this way. As for me, it was the right choice. This way, I have someone helping me through the feeling of abandonment. She’s there to help me process my emotions. Helping me move on, let us go, and this time for good. She is helping me realize that life is short, and time is precious. I can’t waste what’s left of my life waiting for a man that doesn’t love me, that doesn’t respect me, and just does not want anything to do with me at this time.

There’s nothing worse in life than loving somebody TO THE FULLEST, and that person just doesn’t love you back. It’s got to be the most painful thing I’ve ever felt. So, it’s time to love myself, get my head right, and then find someone that can give me as much as I give them emotionally.

I am a relationship kinda woman, and I love feeling loved, to be spooning at night, random kisses, hugs and a slap on the ass every now and then. 😂 That’s something I don’t want to put on the back burner, I can’t wait for forever, not again.

Shannon